Let's talk about relationships. Let's talk about post-divorce, holy shit, what did I get myself into, relationships. Because those can be, for lack of a better word, a clusterfuck.
So, you got divorced. You find yourself almost 30 and single with a six year old daughter. Dating hasn't gone well for you post-divorce, but low and behold, miraculously, your ex-husband has managed to find someone. Someone who he cares about and who cares about him. Awesome. Wait... this "new girl" is going to be involved in my child's life. Shit. I forgot about that. What the fuck do I do now? Well, you buckle up cupcake, it's about to get bumpy.
My philosophy has always been "it takes a village to raise a child." But what if that village isn't "your" village. Shit. Again. Well here's what I've learned:
1. You're not being replaced, momma, calm down. You carried this baby, loved this baby, wiped her ass, dried her tears and have loved her since the moment you laid eyes on her. You can't erase or replace that.
2. Maybe you're apprehensive to actually be fond of this new woman in your daughter's life. Damn sure caught me off guard that I might actually like the thought of my super manly ex-husband having someone there to do the girly things with my daughter when she's at her dad's, instead of playing in the mud and teaching her how to play XBox or whatever play machine he stays on.
3. Maybe this new woman who has entered your child's life is a hell of a good woman. Bonus. Think... this woman will be there to calm fears and dry eyes and do mani/pedi girl dates in your absence in a way that only another female can do. Because, I mean, how fun could it be to have a mani/pedi date with dad? Not so much.
4. We've had some messed up shit happen in our lives, my ex-husband and I, and my biggest fear has always been that he's away in Georgia with no one there to make sure he's okay. This "new woman" just took on that responsibility and removed a huge cause for stress in my life. She did that without batting an eyelash and that demands an incredible amount of respect.
5. When I got divorced, I never "pre-thought" what it might be like to see my ex-husband with another female. When it smacks you in the face, there's so many emotions you didn't see coming. Jealously - wow. Definitely didn't see that one coming. Not jealous of the actual woman that's with your husband, like she's prettier or smarter or better, just unexplained jealousy. She's found it in herself to love all the things about him that you didn't. Hell of a feat. I was dumbfounded with jealously, that came out of nowhere, like a surprise sneeze when you're on your period, that he had found someone and I hadn't. Jealous of their happy relationship when I'm struggle-bus'ing to get a damn text back.
So to the woman who dates my ex-husband:
Be good to him. He deserves it. If he's happy, he's a happy parent. When you date a single dad, there's more to worry about than just if you're making him happy. There's an amazing little girl who thinks the world of him.
I promise to never speak poorly of you, in front of my child, or under any circumstances, if only you'll promise the same in return. I hope you do all the girly things with her. I hope that she adores you. I hope that you adore her. If in the future, your family gets to meet my child, I hope they treat her just as any other grandchild, with all the love and adoration that only grandparents can give. I hope that we always have an open line of communication between the two of us, not just through this man that has brought us together. I hope you call me when you don't know how to handle a situation, because sometimes, only a mom knows what to do and I promise to give that advice freely, honestly and without judgment.
I promise to never ask my child invasive questions about her father's life with you because no child should have to be the middle-man and I trust that her father will always be honest with me. I apologize in advance for any awkward situations in the future. This "post-divorce" dating is new to me too and, I assure you, just as weird on my end as it is yours.
All I ask is that you be good to him, be good to my child and be a healthy part of this village that's trying like hell to raise this crazy child. Welcome to the village, friend. We're all batshit crazy here.
