As I lay here tonight, trying to find the words to accurately describe what the holidays feel like for me as a bereaved parent, I find myself at a loss for words. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm empty and I'm emotionally torn. I'm thankful that I'm still here. I'm thankful I get to spend another holiday season with my daughter and see her smile every day, but most of all, I'm sad. Sad that there will be an empty seat at our table. I'm sad that Keller was only allowed one holiday season. One Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one birthday. It's absolutely devastating. It's even more devastating to know these things were taken from him in a senseless act of violence. I'm not devastated that these things were taken from me, I'm devastated that my precious boy deserved so many more than just one.
But strangely, I feel overwhelming compassion for the family of the man that took my son knowing I'm not the only one that is suffering this holiday season. This man has a family all his own and I know they are suffering immensely. Although there's an empty seat at my table, there is also an empty seat at his family's table, two little girls who will be without their daddy and a mother who longs for her son to sit at her table again.
In a matter of minutes, two mothers lost their son. One for 16 years and one forever. I'm almost tempted to say that I grieve for her and his children the same, if not more, than I grieve for myself. I wish that I could take away her loss, because no mother, no matter what the circumstances, should be without their baby. I wish that I could hug her and tell her everything's going to be okay, that I understand her pain, because neither she nor I chose for this to be our life. I wish that I could sit and cry with her. I wish that I could hug his little girls and tell them that I'm sorry.
I will, for the rest of my natural life, mourn the death of my son, but I will also mourn for the "forgotten family" in this tragedy, wholly, respectfully and without judgment.
So this year, most of all, I'm thankful that buried deep inside of my being lies a desire to feel compassion for the people I once thought undeserving and that's a pretty incredible feat considering the circumstances.
