Shit My Kid Says And My Favorite Conversations With Her... So Far

 

 

I've learned that my child might have my smart mouth and her dad's quick wit... I'm not sure if this is a good combination or a bad one. But, nonetheless, here are some of my favorite Tyler Grace'isms so far in her five short years. I'm sure there will be more to come.

1. "Mommy, am I still awake when my eye skin is closed?"

 

2. "If you don't get out of my room, I'm gonna fart."

 

3. "Did you know that sometimes my breath whistles out of my nose?"

 

4. "If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I'd be famous."

 

5. "Hurry up, we're late. Let's get this party started."

6. "What's red with green leaves? A bird in a tree."

7. "I farted. That stinks. Eww."

8. "I don't like school. They always want me to do things."

9. "Can I call you back? I'm busy?"

10. "The light is green. GO, FOOL!"

11. "I need y'all to quit talking because it's been a long day and I'M FREAKING TIRED!!"

12. TG: "Mommy, you have a bug on your face!!" *SLAP*
Me: "Owwww... did you just slap me?
TG: "You had a bug on your face."
Evan: "BAHAHAHAHAA"

13. Me: "Please stop jumping from couch to couch. I don't want to go to the ER tonight."
TG: "But why not, mommy?"
Me: "You'll get Ebola and die."
TG: "Eww, yucky. Ok, I'll stop."

14. TG: "Kids can say grown up words too."
Me: A little hesitant to ask... "Um... like what?"
TG: "Like banana annnd shit... maybe?"
Me: "Tyler, don't say shit."
TG: "Ok I won't say shit, so just banana?"
Me: "Yes."

15. My autobiography shall be called "My 4 year old insists her hands remain dry during bathtime and other reasons I drink."

16. "Oh, oh, oh, I really don't care" [insert Demi Levato voice]

17. TG: "Mommy, french braid my hair."
Me: "Yeah but you're gonna have to get off your step stool so I can reach the top of your head."
TG: "Why? You're not tall like me?"
Me: ".... just get off the dang stool and stop asking questions."

18. Me: "Ty, calm down!! I can only do one thing at a time."
TG: "But you have 2 hands."
Me: "....... Well, you got my mouth, didn't you?"

19. Me: "Tyler, I'm taking a bath, what does it look like I'm doing?"

TG: "Do you need to wash your dirty butt too?"

20. TG: "Mommy, what rhymes with sucker?"
Me: "Ummm... new word."
TG: "Ok, what rhymes with truck?"
Me: "Really? Ok rhyme time over."
TG: "Ok, one more. What rhymes with song?"
Me: "BONG!!" - FAIL

21. My kid told me she had to poop, could I go with her. I said sure. We get in there, she tells me I need to go get my phone, stand by the faucet and text somebody on my phone until she's done. Very specific instructions from the 4 year old. Ok, tiny dictator.

22. Me: "Ty, get up baby, it's time to go to school."
TG: "But Mommy, the sun's not even awake yet."
Me: "True, but I am, so get up."

23. Me: "Tyler, hold my hand."
TG: "No mommy, I got this. "
Me: "Tyler Grace, I wiped your butt for 2 years, you're gonna hold my hand."
TG: "Fine. But just for today."

24. Me: "Tyler, please be sweet at Mrs. Johnnie's house."
TG: "No, she's not adopting me."
Me: "No, Tyler, she's not, but will you be sweet anyway?"
TG: "Yeah, I guess."

25. Swimsuit tops at our house are called... "Baby Booby Holders."

26. Tyler and I were talking about school and rhyming and she said "CAR." I loudly blurt out "BAR!" She just stared at me. Then I stumped my toe and yelled "SHIT." I heard my kid yell "HIT" from another room. Touche.

27. Me: "Hey Ty, what do you want to get Ryan for his birthday?"
TG: "A truck, a superman, makeup for his mom and a new TV."
Me: "Slow your roll sister. He's just a boy in your class."

28. Me: "So why did you hit Cannon today?"
TG: "Because he wouldn't be my bestest friend."
Me: "Ok. So you hit him?"
TG: "No. I didn't. Maggie did."
Me: "So you didn't touch him, at all?"
TG: "No. Maggie did."
Me: "Why didn't you tell your teacher you didn't hit him?"
TG: "Because 'snitches get stitches.'"
Me: "Um..."

29. "TG: "Let me tell you a joke."
Me: "Ok."
TG: "Why does your nose sit on top of your earring?"
Me: "I don't know. Why?"
TG: "So you can eat the bread."

30. Me: "Knock knock. Is there anything in there, Ty? It sounds empty. "
TG: "Yeah mommy. There's a brain in there. It tells me to do everything."

31. Tyler named her ponies. Thunder, Lightning, Apple Jack aaannnnnnddd. .. wait for it.... Haircut Brush.

32. While I was taking a bath one night, Tyler went in my closet and grabbed a pair of stilettos, kissed them and said "hey pretty, I've been waiting for you" and walked out.

33. Me: "Pinky promise you'll be good?"
TG: "Yes ma'am, I promise. What if I'm not?"
Me: "Your butt will fall off."

34. TG: "Momma, he said 'shit.'"
Me: "I heard him. Don't say shit."
TG: "Ok momma, I won't say shit anymore."

35. I asked Tyler why her and Annie got sad faces and put in time out, she said "Annie hit me, then I hit Annie, then Annie pushed me, then I pushed Annie, then we both went to time out." Well why did Annie hit you? "Because she was going to be someone else's bestest friend." Preschool probs

36. "If you tell Daddy I got a sad face, that's not very nice of you."

37. Me: "If you could be any animal, what would you be?"
TG: "A cow!!"
Me: "A cow!! Really!! Why?"
TG: "Because Mimi doesn't like snow."
Me: ".......... Alright then."

38. Me: "Hello?"
My mother: "Tyler, stop running into the walls!!"
Me: "Hi mom."
My mother: "Oh, hi baby, I did your laundry. TYLER GRACE GET OUT OF THE FIREPLACE!!! Got to go, love you." *click*

39. TG: "So where is Tennessee? Is it in Africa or what?"
Me: "Close Ty. Close."

40. Me: "I like your new pjs."
TG: "Thanks mommy. I like your face."
Me: "Um... thanks?"

41. I asked my precious, baby girl what she wanted to be for Halloween, to which, she responded "a bat." I replied, "like a creature of the night or like a baseball bat?"
Answer: "A flying bat at night."
Just why? WTF.

42. Me: "We're going to Adrian and Steve's."
TG: "Do they have a baby?"
Me: "Yeah, Grey."
TG: "Do they have a Steve?"
Me: "Haha, well... yeah."

43. Me: "Tyler Grace, why did you eat 10 pieces of gum at Daddy's house and swallow them?"
TG: "Because they were green and they tasted good."
 

44. Me: "Come on, let's put a diaper on so you don't pee in the bed." 

TG: "But if I pee in the bed, it's warm."

45. Me: "Tyler, get in the bed."
TG: "I'm very, very hot."
Me: "I know baby, I turned the air on."
TG: "GEEZ... Thanks mom, it's about time."

46. *ah chooh!!* "Bless me."

47. "Imma bust you in the snotbox."

48. "Imma bust yo grape down to the white meat."

49. "Fucking pizza!!" - in the middle of Target, 2 years old, in front of my mother and a horrified couple with small children.

And my final and favorite... 50. "When I rub your butt, it helps me go to sleep."