I always think of what I would say to my son if I had the chance. Even to know that he would go away again, I have so much I want to say to him and it's probably not what you think. I would tell him thank you. I would thank him for being him. A lovable, cuddle-bug who cried too much and always wanted his momma. I would thank him for eating so much food, I thought I'd go broke trying to feed him. I would thank him for looking more like me than his daddy. I would thank him for making me a more compassionate person. I would thank him for teaching me that love is undying and never ending. I would thank him for making me a better mother. I would thank him for making me a more gentle soul. I would thank him for those moments I got him out of his crib in the middle of the night so I could hold him without a fight. I would thank him for only putting me through 3 hours of labor. I would thank him for every night I came home and all he heard was my voice, but his eyes searched for me. I would thank him for everything he taught me in 13 short months.
When I had my son, it was an instant connection. I looked at him and he looked at me and I was done. He calmed me in ways I didn't know I could be calmed. I had found where my soul rests. We were one in the same. Each child has a soul unique to them. Tyler Grace has an old soul and a fiery spirit. She will be my child that spreads her wings and tries new things, tests me relentlessly, but will always return to her roots. She's her daddy's child. Keller was my gentle soul. He gave love freely to everyone he met. He was trusting and kind. He didn't get upset when Tyler Grace tried to drown him in the bathtub by pouring water over his head. He just sat there and stared at her. He didn't get upset when she took his toys from him. He trusted that she would give them back. He trusted everybody. He and I embodied the same spirit.
I feel as though I will search for his spirit, his soul, my whole life. Whether it be in a stranger's child at the Chick-fil-a or whether it be in a grown up I've never met. I will look for his spirit, search for his soul in everyone I meet. I will search my whole life to find pieces of him here on this Earth to comfort me and let me know he's still here. I know he's here. I feel him here. Call it divine intervention. Call it God. Call it what you want. Maybe it's God using my son's spirit to speak to me, to guide me. Whatever it is, it's there and I feel it. I feel him around me when I have bad days. I feel him in the smallest of moments in my days. I feel his calmness rush over me when I am angry with his sister. I feel his strength holding me together on the days I think I can't get out of bed. I feel his love washing over me when I want to hate. I feel his soul protecting mine.
As silly as this sounds, when I was 18 years old someone told me that ladybugs were a Chinese symbol of protection. Probably not true, but nonetheless, I got a ladybug tattoo on my foot to protect me from where my feet may walk. When I tell you I find my son's soul on this Earth, I am not imagining that I do. After his funeral, the first time I went back to my house, I stood in my front doorway for a moment to catch my breath before I went inside, a ladybug landed on my right shoulder. Today, taking a break from writing this post, I watched a ladybug crawl in the grass right in front of me. Think I'm crazy all you want, but he's here.
As silly as this sounds, when I was 18 years old someone told me that ladybugs were a Chinese symbol of protection. Probably not true, but nonetheless, I got a ladybug tattoo on my foot to protect me from where my feet may walk. When I tell you I find my son's soul on this Earth, I am not imagining that I do. After his funeral, the first time I went back to my house, I stood in my front doorway for a moment to catch my breath before I went inside, a ladybug landed on my right shoulder. Today, taking a break from writing this post, I watched a ladybug crawl in the grass right in front of me. Think I'm crazy all you want, but he's here.
I know why he protects me. He protects me so we can spend eternity together. He saves me from myself so that when my last day on Earth arrives, I will be able to hold him again, because I would like to think that's all he's ever wanted - just get her here, and she'll be okay. Reunite us and we'll both be whole again. And I think that's why my soul searches for his. It longs to fill a void he left, to make myself whole again.
So tomorrow, on his birthday, I will go to where his body rests and I will tell him thank you. I will thank him for being him and I will thank him for protecting me in all the ways I didn't know I needed and I will thank him for showing his spirit still holds me even though his arms no longer do.
Because my soul searches for his and in the smallest of moments it is found, it is well with my soul.
So tomorrow, on his birthday, I will go to where his body rests and I will tell him thank you. I will thank him for being him and I will thank him for protecting me in all the ways I didn't know I needed and I will thank him for showing his spirit still holds me even though his arms no longer do.
Because my soul searches for his and in the smallest of moments it is found, it is well with my soul.
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