Let's take a moment to talk about girlfriends. Yeah, I said it, girlfriends. You know the ones. Those girls that have your back 24/7/365, no matter what. Here's my favorite things about my gaggle of crazy bitches who I love almost as much as my own children.
1. It's a judgment free zone. No matter what. That includes sex talk, bathroom humor, I hate my job screaming telephone calls and OMG my kid is being such a little asshole right now texts. Nothing is off limits.
2. You can tell each other when you're wrong or when you're acting like a cunt, but if someone else outside of the girlfriend zone calls you out, guess who's got your back... your girlfriends. Right or wrong. They got you.
3. You tell them all your secrets, even the nitty gritty ones. Girls, you know which secrets I'm talking about. Those are to be shared with girlfriends only and those are the best kinds of secrets.
4. Those girls you can call snot-nose crying when a boy breaks your heart and they laugh at you because you sound like a blubbering idiot and they can't wait to put you in your place and tell you to get the fuck over it and come have drinks instead of being a debby downer.
5. The girls that, if you die, will immediately know what to do.
A. Clear your browser history on cell phones, laptops, any electronic devices.
B. Dispose of anything sexually embarrassing they know you wouldn't want your parents to find.
C. Will insist that your funeral have a happy hour with mimosas, even though your mother says no.
D. Prepare a eulogy starting with the words "she was the craziest bitch I ever knew."
E. Use the embarrassing pictures from your ugly teenage years because you would do it to them.
F. Hide the alcohol in the house so your parents don't think they raised an alcoholic.
6. The girls that snuggle in the bed with you after a breakup, without talking and watch marathons of Grey's Anatomy, just because.
7. The best damn bar bathroom conversations ever.
8. The "do I look fat in this?" girls that will laugh and tell you "hell yeah, lay of the Pringles, fatty."
9. Bad moods don't affect us. You mad? Call me a bitch and cuss me out, it'll make you feel better. Then we can go shopping.
10. The girls who know and respect your wine preferences.
11. The girls you will offer your home to at a moments notice for a weekend staycation or a temporary breakup getaway or even for weeks or months at a time. The girls you rearrange your life for to accommodate for their well being, no matter what.
12. When in the 10 years you've been together, you've gone through numerous breakups, car wrecks, divorces, boyfriends, children, deaths, weddings, wedding showers, bachelorette trips, baby showers, overnight "OMG will this baby ever get here" hospital stays and you can't imagine any of them without your girls there.
13. The best conversations always start with "this bitch right here..."
14. The ones that will lie to your face when their ex is dating someone really pretty. "That bitch is tore the fuck up. Don't even worry about that bitch. She fat anyways."
15. You've had each other's clothes so long you have to ask to borrow your own stuff back.
16. There's no need to get each other birthday/Christmas gifts. You show your love in non-material ways all year long.
17. Periods are just normal, everyday, conversation.
18. Your sex life doesn't belong to only you and your partner, it belongs to you, your partner, and your gaggle of girlfriends you trust enough to tell all the details to.
19. The ones that when you lose the most important person in your life, a child, you can't imagine any other people you'd rather lean on. They've literally held up your entire weight to keep you from hitting rock bottom.
20. The ones who hold your hair back while you throw up...
21. Will be the same ones who are taking pictures of you throwing up and will never let you forget it.
22. The ones who were there for that secret one-night stand and will never tell a soul but will always crack an inside joke about it in public, just to make sure you never live it down.
23. The friend you tell to their face you are going to steal their kid and fly out of the country with them and deep down she knows you won't, but she still wouldn't put it past you.
24. You've wiped their ass and/or changed a tampon for them due to wedding dress issues and/or car wreck incapacitations.
25. When you go through a breakup, they'll tell you "honestly, no one liked him anyway." Whether true or not.
26. You've "had it out" with them more times than you can count and they'd still be there for you if you needed them. Mad as hell, but be there in a minute... like... "bitch, imma help you out, but I'm still mad."
27. The girls that know when you've had too much to drink, but will give you that last one anyway.
28. The people you miss while you're on your honeymoon. OMG, drinks are included... can you imagine the shitshow if the girls were here?
29. The ones who will sit beside you in a court of law.
30. The ones you've known so long, they used to write you love notes in high school and you still have them.
31. The girls you can send your random thoughts to... like talking to Giraffes.
32. The girls you trust with your children and your own life.
33. The girls that you show outward, OMG excitement for when they get engaged, but cry on the inside because someone is going to steal them away.
34. You're so close, you've talked about hemorrhoids because sometimes pushing a child out of your vagina has consequences.
35. You know that your children will be close enough so they best know better than to put you and your girlfriends in different nursing homes.
36. You and your girlfriends WILL cause problems at the nursing home and you can't wait to grow old with them.
37. If your girls don't like your dude, sometimes, you just gotta cut one loose. They were there before him and they'll be there after him... with wine and breakup food.
38. You've basically lived with them for weeks at a time just because.
39. You've drunkenly punched them in the face for trying to sober you up by shoving Wendy's chicken nuggets in your mouth so they do the only thing they can think of, slam your head in a car door. True story circa 2004.
40. The girls who know the ends and outs of your family and know exactly what you mean when you text them "my mother has been here for an hour" and they text back "oooohhhhh."
41. No matter what, they've got your back. Period. No questions asked. Ok, some questions will be asked, but at a later time, because sometimes "now" is not the time to be asking questions, bitch.
So shout out to all the great girlfriends out there who love each other and protect each other like family. The ones you've drunkenly considered just being lesbians with, minus the sex part, because it would be way easier than dating. The ones you know you could call in the event you had to bury a body. Your person. Your people. Your girlfriends are nothing less than the family you get to chose for yourself and my gaggle of bitches is pretty damn fabulous.
30. The ones you've known so long, they used to write you love notes in high school and you still have them.
31. The girls you can send your random thoughts to... like talking to Giraffes.
32. The girls you trust with your children and your own life.
33. The girls that you show outward, OMG excitement for when they get engaged, but cry on the inside because someone is going to steal them away.
34. You're so close, you've talked about hemorrhoids because sometimes pushing a child out of your vagina has consequences.
35. You know that your children will be close enough so they best know better than to put you and your girlfriends in different nursing homes.
36. You and your girlfriends WILL cause problems at the nursing home and you can't wait to grow old with them.
37. If your girls don't like your dude, sometimes, you just gotta cut one loose. They were there before him and they'll be there after him... with wine and breakup food.
38. You've basically lived with them for weeks at a time just because.
39. You've drunkenly punched them in the face for trying to sober you up by shoving Wendy's chicken nuggets in your mouth so they do the only thing they can think of, slam your head in a car door. True story circa 2004.
40. The girls who know the ends and outs of your family and know exactly what you mean when you text them "my mother has been here for an hour" and they text back "oooohhhhh."
41. No matter what, they've got your back. Period. No questions asked. Ok, some questions will be asked, but at a later time, because sometimes "now" is not the time to be asking questions, bitch.
So shout out to all the great girlfriends out there who love each other and protect each other like family. The ones you've drunkenly considered just being lesbians with, minus the sex part, because it would be way easier than dating. The ones you know you could call in the event you had to bury a body. Your person. Your people. Your girlfriends are nothing less than the family you get to chose for yourself and my gaggle of bitches is pretty damn fabulous.
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