Things People Need To Stop Doing At The Bar

This blog post was a special request and group effort with the lovely Mallory. We realized we're no longer 21 and there are certain things that adults who partake in the bar scene occasionally should not being doing. If you are between the ages of 21 and 25, you get a free pass, although we will point, stare, laugh and write a blog post about it. We pondered, we thought, we processed and below is our list of things people should immediately stop doing at the bar.

 

1. Don't be rude. We understand that when alcohol is involved we tend to let our mouths run freely. Fine. That doesn't mean that your rudeness is acceptable. For instance: if you walk up to two lovely women who are sitting alone and try to strike up a conversation and it's obvious neither are interested in you, we're not being rude, we're just simply not interested. When you walk away that doesn't give you the right to tell the one girl that told you she wasn't interested that her friend is prettier than her anyway. Chances are, the one you were rude to was the nice one. The other girl sitting there didn't even acknowledge your presence and probably would have told you to your face to fuck off.

 

2. Stop invading people's personal space. If you're a stranger and you would like to meet someone, fine. Be nice. DO NOT speak to them three inches from their face. I don't know you and your breath smells like Yaeger and bad decisions.

 

3. Girls, if you can't handle the shoes you are wearing and within two hours of being at the bar you're walking about the nasty floor that's had drinks spilled on it, thrown up on and has ashes all over it, don't wear those shoes. Sensible shoes ladies. Because I know for a fact when you get home you will be too intoxicated to remember to wash your feet before you crawl into bed. Disgusting.

 

4. Do not be rude to your bartender. Wait your turn. Do not yell at them or wave your money in their face to get their attention. You will automatically become the last person they serve.

 

5. Tip your bartender well for a job well done. She makes awesome shots? Good. Tip her well. There's no telling how many drunken assholes she has to put up with every night.

 

6. Also, regarding bartenders, sure, ask her for her number you drunken piece of shit that was falling down when you left, I bet she'll call you. Not. You look like a fool.

 

7. If you are with your man or significant other, go dance, have a blast, I support you. But if you and your man look like you are about to procreate on the dance floor, please, for the sake of everybody's eyes, take that shit home or to your car. I don't care where, just somewhere other than here.

 

8. Also, on that note, if you are doing nothing but sitting in the corner sucking face with the guy/girl you're with, I will secretly stand beside you and photobomb you and post it on social media. Get a grip. Everybody gets makeout happy when they're drunk, just do it out of the public eye.

 

9. If you can only squat like it's warm, then don't get in the middle of the dance floor and attempt to drop it like it's hot. It's not and you will go home alone.

 

10. If there is a pool table and you think you're hot shit and ask me to play and I tell you "I'm better than you think." Do not insist that I play you then get mad when I beat you and take your money. Because I will and I won't feel bad about it.

 

11. Don't be a thirsty girl. If you're single and you see an attractive potential mate, for God's sake, have some class. Do not, I repeat, do not let me catch you asking a guy "do you want to see my titties?" He might want to see them and he might take you home, but you'll never hear from him again.

 

12. Girls, if you have to pee at a bar and you insist on hovering (we all do), but sometimes at a moment of "I've really had too much" then just sit your ass down. You won't remember it anyway and I don't want to have to come in behind you and wipe your pee off the toilet.

 

13. If you're too drunk to stand up, here's a thought, sit your drunk ass down instead of running into people and bouncing around a crowed bar like a damn ball in a pinball machine while you spill the remainder of your drink all over everybody you run into.

 

14. If someone you're trying to hit on tells you "I'm sorry, I'm really flattered but I have a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee, husband, wife," that does not mean you need to try harder. That means you're a disrespectful cunt.

 

15. If you take shots and you've reached that point where they don't go down smoothly, and after you throw one back you do the "hand over mouth, wait no, I got it, I'm good," that's your last shot.

 

16. When dancing, if you do, in fact, drop it like it's hot and you end up on your face, your dancing for the night is over.

 

17. If you "only smoke when you drink" you're allowed to bum one cigarette per person. After that you're just an annoying asshole and I didn't come to the bar tonight to satisfy your nicotine fix, repeatedly. If you know you're going to be drinking, hit a gas station on the way and buy your own damn cigarettes.

 

18. It is not your friend's job to keep up with your shit. If you can't keep up with your own ID, credit cards, cash, cigarettes, keys, etc., we will let you leave them at the bar.

 

19. Guys, if you're an angry drunk and you want to pick a fight, just don't. Simply, just don't. Grow up.

 

20. Girls, help your girlfriends out. If they look like a drunken fool with no shoes on, black eye makeup all over their face, peed their pants, and busted their face on the dance floor, take their drunk ass home. Even if you want to stay and have a good time, if they're at that point, take them home. They will hate you for letting them make a fool of themselves. #girlcode

 

21. Know who you're going home with. If you want to have a one night stand with a stranger, fine by me, but don't come crying to me when you get locked in someone's basement. Use your judgment or better yet, go to the bar with people you trust that won't let you make that decision in the first place.

 

22. If you pass out at the bar, people will take pictures. You can't be mad. #sorrynotsorry

 

23. If someone tells you they don't want to dance with you, that is not your cue to physically put your hands on them and try to drag them to the dance floor. I, for one, will punch you in your drunk face if you touch me.

 

24. Better yet, if you don't know someone, don't touch them at all.

 

25. If there's a line at the bar waiting to get drinks and you're tired of waiting, that does not give you permission to "big boy" people out of the way. We all went to Kindergarten, wait your fucking turn.

 

26. Don't bitch about the music playing or the band. You don't like it, go somewhere else. Nobody is forcing you to stay. But now you are forcing me to listen to you bitch. Go on somewhere.

27. Crying at the bar. OMG, stop. The bar is for people to go and drink and have a good time with friends. It's a happy place. It is NOT your weekly therapy session.

28. If you cannot speak a coherent sentence, then the age old Japanese artform of Karaoke is not for you. Sit down and shut your mouth.

29. If you and your girlfriends want to get out and take over the entire dance floor, fine. When others are trying to dance, do not form a dance circle around the guy another girl is with. Y'all are all bitches and it's not funny.

30. And last, but not least, do not try to drive your drunk ass home. Call a fucking cab. Seriously.

Look, we've all been there before, myself included. We've all been the "drunk guy" but at some point we have to ask ourselves, aren't we a little too old for this? When you're in your late 20s +, your time to act like a complete ass at the bar has come and gone. Should have taken advantage of it then.

Don't be this guy. Know your limit.