Dear New Mom




Being a mom makes you crazy and that's ok.

Dear new mom:

 

Congrats!! You've survived the "miracle" of birth no matter how it happened - whether you went into labor at home, induced early to claim that baby on your taxes that year, scheduled a C-Section, vaginally birthed a tiny human "all natural," had every drug they could offer you or whether you had a baby on the side of the road, you're now a mom and you have a perfect little human to show for it. You've been entrusted with another human life to love, protect and mold into a successful human being. You're scared, you're tired and you wonder every day if you're doing things right. Don't worry. You're doing just fine, but here's some things that will help you out along the way.

 

(1) They tell you "breast is best" but don't beat yourself up if you struggle or you can't breastfeed at all. That baby will be just fine. I was unable to breastfeed either of mine. Don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong. I had numerous people tell me I was wrong for not breastfeeding my kids... hey guess what? It's either formula or starve. Sometimes your body doesn't give you a choice in the matter.

 

(2) Sleep when the baby sleeps? Hahaha, I wish it were that simple, but while that precious baby is asleep, there are things that need to be done - laundry, dishes, bottles, bathing yourself, feeding yourself. It's a lot. Try to get sleep when you can. Be a walking zombie. It's okay, we've all been there. We can't do everything and sometimes sleep wins. And that's okay too. Enlist the help of anybody you can. Ask for specific things like "hey, please come fold and put up my laundry." And if all else fails, hide those dirty dishes in the oven if someone comes over.

 

(3) If you're walking around in the same clothes you had on yesterday, that's okay. If those same clothes have spitup, poop or any other bodily fluid on them, so be it.

 

(4) Germs are good. It helps their immune system. Don't bathe people in hand sanitizer if they want to hold your baby. And let people hold your baby. Nobody likes the kid that's terrified of everybody. Socialize them, they'll thank you for it later.

 

(5) If your baby drops a pacifier on the ground, do not fumble around in a baby bag for paci wipes, pick up, put it in your mouth and stick it back in theirs. Like I said, germs are a good thing.

 

(6) Onesies with zippers are the best thing ever invented. Buy those. The ones with buttons are a bitch in the middle of the night.

Yup... Baby Brezza. Buy it. Trust me.

(7) Spend the extra money on the baby formula machine that automatically makes fresh bottles. Also, the best thing invented. Just press a button and in 60 seconds, you have a perfectly warm, perfectly mixed bottle. Well worth the money. It's like a baby Kurig.

 

(8) If you want to sleep train your baby or you want your baby to co-sleep with you, either way, do what works for you.

 

(9) Don't take everything so seriously. They are only little once, enjoy it. If the laundry isn't done and the dishes aren't clean, don't sacrifice that cuddle time for it. It won't be too long and they'll be wiggly toddlers that squirm out of your arms every chance they get.

(10) Your baby will not die if they put sand in their mouth at the playground. I promise.

(11) Enjoy them not having so much hair. Getting tangles out of a four year old's hair every morning is not fun.

(12) Take pictures with your babies. Even if you look a mess. Take them every chance you get. I have about a million pictures of my kids, but very few with me in them. Try sometimes to be in front of the camera instead of behind.

(13) Everybody will tell you to "put your phone down" because you're wasting precious moments not giving your child your full attention. Listen, if checking Facebook or the 18,000 emails in your inbox gives you a moment of peace and sanity, take it.

(14) If you have a thing against bodily fluids from another person, might as well go ahead and get over that. You will be peed on, thrown up on and pick another human's boogers more than you will be willing to admit. Being a mom is messy, it is what it is. Comes with the territory.

(15) Sometimes babies don't smell good. Actually, kids in general smell awful. But the good thing about babies is, you don't have to bathe them everyday. My mother was under the impression when my kids were born that even as newborns they needed a bath every day. Nope... don't fool with that mess. All they do is lay there. They eat, sleep, pee, shit, repeat... all day, every day. Trust me, when they're older and think it's hilarious to fart in the bathtub, you'll relish in the days you only had to give baths maybe 3 times a week. You ever cleaned poop out of a bathtub? It's not on the highlight reel of my best parenting moments.

(16) *And last, but not least, probably my best advice* DO NOT TRY TO CATCH THROW UP IN YOUR HANDS!! Ever. For any reason. Lesson learned. The floor is always best. Just trust me on this one. 

So here's the thing about being a mom - it's hard, it's messy and NOBODY has all the answers. So flipping hard. You always wonder if you're doing the right things or if they're going to turn out okay. Nobody wants to be the mom that raised a serial killer. Truth is none of us are perfect. There is no perfect parent. Just love your babies and always have their best interests at heart and you'll do just fine. So listen to "veteran moms'" advice, or don't. We're all just kinda winging it anyway. 

See... no perfect parent. This is picture of my four year old climbing counters while I was watching the news.  I freaked out for a moment then I realized she did the hard part already and I was actually pretty impressed. Touche' tiny Spiderman.
 

So to the "new mom": I promise you'll survive. Maybe not as gracefully as others, but you'll make it. Those sleepless nights won't last forever. You may never get your body back, but you have one hell of an awesome thing to show for it. Like I said, we're all just winging it, so relax. If you become the mom that hides from her kids with a bottle of wine in the closet, or the one who sits on top of the toilet and flushes every so often while you play Trivia Crack, or you walk around every day looking a damn hot mess... who cares? Don't sweat the small things. As my mother always says, "it'll all come out in the wash."