Ignorance About Child Loss

 

 

As a grieving mother, I feel like I've done my best to hold my own. Let's not kid ourselves, I'm a mess. I realize that but I will say this: I am still here. Broken, defeated and screaming out in pain, but I'm still here. I still go to work every day. I have a healthy, happy 4 year old at home. She gets to school on time, most of the time. There's food in my fridge, next to the wine. So all in all, we're doing okay.

 

But here's the thing about grief: it's sneaky. For months at a time you're okay. You feel okay. You think you're over "the hump" then out of nowhere here it comes again. The crippling grief crashing over you like the waves of the sea drowning you in their wake. You know it's temporary, but it's overwhelming for months at a time. It's like you're right there in the beginning again. A restart of the grieving process.

 

For those of you who are ignorant to this type of grief, let me help you out.

 

Losing a child is not comparable to losing anyone else. Do not compare your grief to mine unless you have lost a child as well. If another person tells me "well when I lost my dog [insert name here]..." I'm going to lose my fucking shit. Your mother, father, brother, sister, grandparent, and friends are all great losses, I know, I've experienced those as well, but they are the natural order of things. Losing a child is not. It goes against all of our natural instincts.

 

Losing a child is hard enough, period. Losing a child in a manner by which they were alive when you dropped them off at daycare and brain dead by the time you got to the hospital, is traumatizing, at best. Do not tell a parent that has lost a child in this manner - "at least you didn't have to watch them suffer like they were sick or something." I'm sorry. What? No. Neither is okay. Although, a sick child might have allowed for goodbye's, my situation did not.

 

Do not tell a parent that has lost a child that "God needed his baby back." Really? While that sounds good in your mind, what we hear is "Your child is better off dead than here with you." Avoid that statement and any like it such as "God picks the prettiest flowers first." <-- that one is my personal favorite.

 

Do not tell a grieving mother "well at least you have another child." This will be my answer:

Me: "Really? You have children?"

Asshole: "Yes, I have [insert number here] kids."

Me: "Ok, great. Pick the one you could live without. That's what I thought."

 

I'm allowed to be selfish when I grieve. Period. If it comes down to you getting your feelings hurt or me letting this grief out, guess who wins? Me. Every time. It IS selfish, I'm not saying it's not, but sometimes that's what it takes. Be an emotional punching bag for a little while. Trust me, I'll love you more for it in the end.

 

Our grief is not a "crutch" or an excuse for our shortcomings as people in general. Our grief is our real life every fucking day. There is no "moving on" or "getting over it" there is only "try to fucking survive it." The loss of our child changed us as people. We will never be the person we were before. Your life becomes split in two halves, your life before your child died and your life after your child died. And who we are changes from day to day. Yesterday, I was fine, dandy and happy, then today happened. Not so great today. I cried more this morning trying to get my 4 year old ready for school than I've cried in a while. More angry than anything. So it's not a crutch or an excuse, it's the worldwind of our emotions that stem from our grief taking a hold on us. There is nothing we can do. Love us through it.  

 

If you are being insensitive and I tell you that you need to educate yourself on people who are grieving the loss of a child... please do. Read a book. Hell, Google that shit. Do something constructive so you don't look like an insensitive, ignorant asshole.

 

 

 

 

 

So, does that mean we're allowed to be all consumed by our grief? Fuck yes, it does. There are people in your life who will stand beside you no matter what. And then there are people in your life that will walk away as soon as things get hard. When my grief consumes me I know I'm a different person. I'm very well aware. I'm cold, short-tempered, selfish, angry, sad and won't leave my house unless I have to. That's the me that grieves. I let it consume me. I feel as though I owe my son that. That's my last act of love for him is to grieve his loss. So if you can't love me through my grief, then walk, but don't you dare misconstrue the situation as me being a shitty person.