What I Say Versus What My Kid Hears

As a mom of a "free-spirited" (that's the nice way to put it) 4 almost 5 year old, I find myself wondering more times than not if she even understands English. Certainly, she does or at least I hope she does. But nevertheless, below is a list of things I say to my kid on a regular basis versus what my child apparently hears.

 

What I say: "Tyler Grace, hurry up, we're going to be late for school."

What TG hears: Now's a good time to take a shit.

 

What I say: "No movie tonight. You stayed up too late last night and wouldn't get up for school."

What TG hears: I can watch Mickey Mouse until I die and then I can be a HUGE asshole in the morning.

 

What I say: "Please be careful and don't get paint on yourself."

What TG hears: Please paint the entire kitchen table and then my arm.

 

What I say: "Don't jump on the bed, you'll break your neck."

What TG hears: The hospital sounds like a grand time. I should try it out.

 

What I say: "Baby, I can't pick you up, you're too heavy."

What TG hears: Tackle me violently then sit on top of me for the rest of the night. I don't have enough back problems.

 

What I say: "Eat your supper or you can't have dessert."

What TG hears: Please hate everything I cook, then eat your weight in yogurt from the fridge after I go to bed.

 

What I say: "Please don't run through the house, you'll slip and fall."

What TG hears: You're fast like lightning, show me.
 

What I say: "Honey, that stove is hot. Don't touch it."

What TG hears: Burnt flesh tastes good.

What I say: "Tyler, flush the toilet when you're finished. It's gross when you don't."

What TG hears: I want the entire bathroom to smell like shit for days.

What I say: "Don't kick the back of my seat while I'm driving."

What TG hears: Kick my seat violently until I lose my shit in 5:00 traffic.

What I say: "Please don't throw things at me while I'm driving."

What TG hears: Hit me directly in the back of the head with the hardest toy you can find.

What I say: "Tyler Grace, get inside this house right now."

What TG hears: Run freely through the yard and into the street while the neighbors watch me chase you.

What I say: "Mommy is using the bathroom. I'll be out in a minute."

What TG hears: Feel free to open the door and watch me poop. It's calming to have you sit and stare at me while I poop.

What I say: "Ty, don't squeeze Beauregard like that. He's little and you'll hurt him."

What TG hears: Squeeze him til he dies and laugh at the same time.

What I say: "Please don't hit me in the face."

What TG hears: Punch me as hard as you can square in the nose. I love when you do that.

What I say: "Tyler, put that down, you're going to break it."
What TG hears: Throw it on the floor until it shatters into a million pieces that I would love to spend my evening picking up.




This is my kid sitting on my couch eating stickers. Yes, you read that right... stickers, simply because Mommy said not to.

So you see, being a mom is not always giggles, fairy dust and rainbow farts. Sometimes being a mom just plain and simple sucks ass. Times like when your child does exactly the opposite of what you tell her. Sometimes it's funny because she's strong-willed like her mom, but sometimes it makes you want to hide in the back of your closet with a bottle of red wine. Usually, the red wine wins in the end, not Mommy.

I hope her hardheadedness (I know that's not a real word, I Google'd) carries her through life because there are times it will pay off for her to be hardheaded. So to my almost 5 year old: this is not the time to not listen to Mommy. Later, my child. Be patient. Your time for being a smartass and taking no shit from anybody will come later in life. Eventually, you will pave your own road, which I'm sure will be the one less traveled. That's your road. Mark that road with your mistakes and experiences that you learned first hand because you never listened to anything anybody ever told you. And that, my child, is okay. I will protect you your whole life, but I won't make your mistakes for you. I will allow you to make them of your own free will because learning from the choices you make will serve you better in life than keeping you sheltered from the world.

So right now, as she irritates the living shit out of me by not listening, she will learn from this. And hopefully she will learn that each of her actions have a consequence. Some good, some bad and she will learn from them. Hopefully. We shall see.