Elmo Madness

So today I bought my child, myself and my mother tickets to see Sesame Street Live... for $120.00. Really? Kids are expensive as shit. For $120, Elmo better buy me dinner and a drink. We went year before last and let's just say, it didn't go so well...

 

Pre-Elmo Excitement

It's gonna be great, right? What could go wrong?

Let's set the scene. We're all pumped up about Elmo!! It's all we've been talking about for the 2 weeks prior. We get to the MPAC and it's packed. My kid is in the middle of potty training. After fighting the crowds of people with other tiny humans to enter the MPAC, she immediately wants to buy something. So we buy... wait for it... worst decision ever... an Elmo kickball. Whoops. Not my best idea. Then, right on schedule, she has to pee. Cue frustrated mom... now. We make our way to the bathroom with swarms of other frustrated moms with tiny, potty training toddlers and all we can do is give each other a look of "glad I'm not the only idiot who thought this was a good idea."

#thatmomentyouimmediatelyregretadecision

 

So, I pee the tiny human and make our way into the venue to find our seats. My mother purchased the seats online and actually got us really good seats. We're on the 4th row on the right side of the stage. Awesome seats!! Thanks, mom. She's pumped!! Wait... only for a second... now she wants popcorn. Ok. Great. I take her hand and we make our way through the crowds of people being seated, out of the theater and to the concession stand for popcorn and Sprite. Ok. Done. I notice other parents are buying alcohol. Noted. Parents who are smarter than I. *High Five* to those parents that night. I'm sure the night was, at least, tolerable for you. I was driving, so no Mommy drinks for me. 

 

We make our way back down to our seats. Dim the lights... awesome. She's about to be the happiest toddler on the planet, right? Not exactly.

 

Her initial reaction to all the characters on stage. FML.

Her reaction when Elmo comes down off stage to say hey. Not her finest moment.


 

My child has now cried through the first 10 minutes of the opening number and in my head I'm thinking "I'm pretty sure we should just leave at this point." But not to be defeated, we press on... crying and all. For over 2 hours.

 

After the show is over and having asked her numerous times, "Do you need to tee-tee?" we leave. We had valet parked our vehicle and mom jumped in the driver's side of my Volvo SUV. Guess what? Now she has to pee. I said, "Mom, just pull over at the Renaissance and I'll run her in and let her pee." Awesome. We press on, into the hotel and find the bathroom. All good. Great. Please, sweet baby Jesus, let's go home. We get in, buckled up and ready to go. Mom pulls off and without thinking or paying any sort of attention whatsoever, she runs the driver's side door of my brand new 2013 Volvo SUV down a concrete pole. Huge dent, paint gone. FML. Kill me now. Ok Mommy... try to be calm, it's only a car, don't get upset in front of your child, material things can be replaced, thank goodness we weren't in a real wreck. But let's be real... you just ran my $60,000 brand new SUV against a concrete pole. What in the actual fuck? Fuck.

 

So this is what I learned from our first experience with Elmo: My kid would rather have popcorn and Sprite and kick around an Elmo kickball than actually see Elmo in person, never let my mother drive and next time, buy the alcohol. Let's hope this year goes better than the last time.



To My Sort Of Veteran...

To my sort of Veteran:

 

You're not a Veteran, per say, because you aren't active military, nor have you yet to be discharged in some form other than dishonorably, and your National Guard status doesn't consider you a Veteran. Trust me, I googled this shit. But I did want to honor you on Veteran's Day because you're nothing short of my hero.

 

I've watched you go from a smiling, brown haired, brown eyed, curious child to an intelligent, genuine, kind-hearted, beautiful young lady.

 

 

I have beamed with "big sister pride" watching you be a stand out softball player, a cheerleader, a Homecoming Queen, a beauty queen, a wonderful aunt, a friend any girl would be jealous of and a heartbreaker. 

Miss Congeniality. Miss LHS pageant 2013.

Luverne High School Homecoming Queen 2013

 

 

Just making memories in Seaside.

Girls beach trip to Seaside 2014.
 

 

You have inspired me in ways you will never know. From your no nonsense attitude to your uncanny ability to always see the bright side of things, you have been a sense of comfort and peace in my life. You have made me a better person and you have made me believe in family again. You've made me believe that no matter how shitty your family can be sometimes, we make it through, in one piece, together, with love in our hearts for each other and endless forgiveness.

It's really difficult to get everyone to participate at the same time.

 

I wish I could tell you how much I boo-hoo'd when you decided to forego the college experience, only because I wanted to live vicariously through you, and sign up for the military. I cried because I thought I wanted so much more for you. I cried because I thought "how could this beautiful, smart, young woman want to trade cheerleading uniforms and crowns for camo and kevlar." But I was wrong. So very wrong.

 

I have seen a significant change in you since you joined the Army. I've seen a sense of pride and responsibility that you did not before possess. I don't know if the Army taught you that, or you've just grown up so much in the past year. Either way, I am an incredibly proud big sister.

 

But I worry about you. I worry about you getting called to deploy. It literally scares me to tears, but that's the path you took. You took that path knowing the possibilities and stared them in the face with no fear and I admire you for your strength. I am jealous of your strength.

 

Not only am I jealous of your strength as a military woman, but as a woman in general. I'm sure childhood at times wasn't easy but you've endured with a sense of pride and humility that few people carry with them into adulthood. You are giving and loving, a quality few adults these days have and I am humbled by your loving nature.

 

Your personality has become as big as your ass (forgive me, I couldn't help myself) and your loud, outspoken, often innappropriate shenanigans are a constant source of laughter in my day. Not a day goes by that I don't receive some absolutely stupid snapchat or text from you. You've grown up so much that I'm not sure my big sister advice is needed much longer and that makes me sad. But to see the woman you've become makes me oh so proud.

I could never go 3 months without you ever again. Don't make me.

 

I will love you my whole life and look forward to spending the next 70 years or so being best friends. So to my sort of Veteran, my baby sister and my heartbeat: I love you. Happy Veteran's Day... sort of.

Moms And Driving... Don't Be A Dick

For most of us moms, driving in the car alone is either a blessing or a curse. It can be a place of quiet solitude or listening to whatever the hell you want and not Taylor Swift on repeat, but that’s my struggle. Maybe yours is different. I hope so. Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” is miserable after 171,482 (yes, that’s a specific number) times. But, behold, there are ways that you, the general driving population, can make this a more pleasurable driving experience for us moms.

I’ve polled numerous moms and for most of us driving to and from work without our beloved children is a time to have uninterrupted thought process or a short time to zone out and not think about anything. Regardless of which it is, assholes that we travel along roads with make this increasingly difficult.

If you are reading the news on your IPad while driving, I hate you. Same goes for the actual paper newspaper. If you are putting your makeup on because you are late for work and insist on trying to do it in my lane of traffic, I hate you. If you are shaving in your vehicle, it just makes me want to swerve into your lane and hit you so you’ll cut your jugular and bleed out. One less asshole on the road. If you are on your cell phone in a brand new Mercedes Benz with an “I need to speak to your manager” haircut, I hate you. I’m not stupid, I know that $50,000 vehicle is capable of hands-free. Nobody cares you now carry an IPhone 6 instead of a 5. Nobody.

If your music is so goddamn loud that I can’t hear myself think, you should probably see a doctor about your hearing problems and I hate you. If you are trying to fly swat your children in the backseat while simultaneously swerving into my lane, I hate you. If you are too busy staring at the wreck on the side of the road that you cannot drive the speed limit, pull off the road, stop and kill yourself. If you insist on “Mexican road blocking” me to talk to your friend, please get out and run because I will kill you. It is not the social hour, it is the get the fuck out of my way so I’m not late for work hour.

If you have no idea where you are going, please have no idea where you are going sometime other than rush hour. There is a turning lane the majority of the way down 231, if you brake before you ever turn your blinker on, I hate you. The turning lane is for you to get into to not impede the flow of traffic. You braking 200 yards before you even get in the turning lane makes me want to ram my vehicle into the rear of yours and then drive off.

If you drive a Ford F350 and haul a backhoe, do us all a favor and learn that the drive-thru is not for you. Not ever. Especially not at 7:30 a.m. I’m sure you need your coffee just as much as I do, but you’re holding up the McDonald’s line and you are the definition of an asshole. If I look in my rear-view mirror and all I can see is the top of your head and no headlights, I will brake check the fuck out of you. Back the fuck off crazy person. I promise you don’t want to eat the ass end of my Volvo SUV.

So PSA to morning and evening commuters, don’t drive like an asshole. I’m trying to have the few moments of quiet that I’m allowed every day and you make me want to scream. Can we collectively agree that assholes on the road need to be stopped? I think so. Especially for those of us moms who are trying to enjoy some quiet time instead of feeling like we’re taking a defensive driving class every single morning. Seriously guys, stop being assholes. Drive like you have some damn sense. Or not, I don't care, but pay the price.

The Dentist And The Elephant

So today, TG went to the dentist, among other things. But first, the dentist.

She did surprisingly well considering someone had sharp objects near her face and there was no blood or tears. But this child, I swear, cannot, for any reason, keep her hands off things that aren’t hers. I’m actually surprised she didn’t burn down the dentist’s office. She is now 4 years strong with no cavities. I’m 28 and never had a cavity so she’s got a little bit to go before she’s in my league, but nonetheless, she’s doing alright. Even on the weekends when she lies about brushing her teeth. Child, you are in my face 24/7, I know if you didn’t brush your teeth. Don’t lie.

She also said “ass” which was hilarious. Mallory said she had never had a patient play with her hair and caress her face while she cleaned their teeth. First time for everything, Mal.
 

Afterwards, as a reward for behaving for Miss Mallory, she got to go to the mall and ride the carousel… twice, alone. Yay for kids wanting to do things like that alone. I will literally throw up my lunch if I even look at that stupid thing too long. Then, what does she want? A pretzel. Awesome. Gimme, gimme, gimme, that sweet, salty goodness with extra fake cheese sauce. We get our pretzels and proceed to sit down at the table and eat. Nope. Apparently not.

Me: “TG, what are you doing? You’re just sitting in the middle of the mall floor. That’s gross. What are you doing?”

TG: “I’m just sitting.”

Me: “Well please get up, it’s gross.”

TG: “Nope, I’m having a breakdown. I’ll come sit at the table in a minute.”

Me: “Umm… okay.”

So I just stand there, in the middle of the mall while my kid sits in the floor with her mixed lemonade/strawberry freeze and sorts something out in her mind. Like… just standing there… while she sits… Indian style… in the mall floor next to Auntie Annie’s Pretzels. No tears, no talking, just sitting.

Is my kid having a mental breakdown in Eastdale Mall? What’s happening here? After about 5 minutes, she stands up, looks at me and says “Ok, I’m good now. Let’s sit at the table.” And we did. We sat, we ate. I asked her what she was having a breakdown about and she said “nothing.” Nothing like, it’s none of my business or nothing like, I was just thinking and I needed a minute? I’m not ready for nothing, it’s none of my business. If I still occasionally have to wipe your ass, it’s still my business.

Side note: I am a Bama fan and Evan an Auburn fan. I do my best to accommodate for her to be an Auburn fan, but for very good reason. When that boy breaks her heart when she’s 19, Auburn is a hell of a lot closer than Tuscaloosa. I have sang the fight song, taught her the cheers and suppressed my cheering for my beloved Tide all in preparation of her going to school at Auburn. BUT today, passing by Bama Fever/Tiger Pride, she wouldn’t leave until she took home an elephant. Not going to lie, I smiled a little bit.

Things You Should Immediately Stop Saying To Strangers

Here are some things you should stop saying immediately before someone punches you in the face:

1. You look pretty with makeup on. Sorry, was I ugly yesterday without it? It's my face. Shut up.

2. You did your hair today, what's the occasion? Umm... my kid allowed me to go to bed on time, therefore waking up on time and she actually got herself ready today. Shut up.

3. You're too pretty to be single. Yeah? Well, I'm crazy so I win. Shut up.

4. You're too young to be hurting like that. My kid is 45 pounds. I have all this nice furniture in my house so my kid can sit directly on top of me. She's heavy. Shut up.

5. When are you having another baby? None of your damn business. My vagina, my business. Shut up.

6. When are you getting married again? Never. Shut up.

 

7. Your eyes are so pretty. Thanks. Now stop staring at them, it's creeping me out. Shut up.

 

8. You're so skinny. Do you ever eat? Yes. Like a grown ass man hostage. Every single damn day. Shut up.

 

9. You're so short. I'm aware. I've known me my whole life. Yes, I can ride the roller coasters. Shut up.

 

10. You're too young to be tired. I'm a single mom with a 4 year old. Oh, I also have this gig on the side called a full-time job. Shut up.

 

11. You're so sarcastic. Nope, I'm just mean and people think I'm joking. Kidding. Maybe. Shut up.

 

12. You're so nice. No, I'm not. I would punch you in the face if it were socially acceptable, but it's not. Shut up.

 

13. I bet your parents pay for your car. Nope. Perks of having good credit. Shut up.

 

14. I bet your parents pay all your bills. Nope. I'm not a moron. Budgeting is not that hard. Shut up.

 

15. You look good in (insert certain color). I'm sorry. Do I look terrible in all the others? Shut up.

16. Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside a store? Because I obviously don't want to be bothered or I would look you in your face sans sunglasses. Shut up.

17. Your little sister is precious!! That's my kid. I'm 28, not 12. Shut up.

18: Well, she doesn't look anything like you!! Thanks? How am I even supposed to take that? Just shut up.

19. OMG!! Your hair is sooooo long. Yup... I have eyes and I can use them. How long did it take you to grow it out? Really? It's been growing my whole life. Shut up.

20. When guys say "you're really intimidating." Don't be such a little bitch. Shut up.

 

21. And last but not least... my favorite - SMILE! Seriously? It's called resting bitch face and it keeps me from getting wrinkles. Otherwise, it's just how my face looks. SHUT UP!!

Because you will get this face every, single fucking time.

Co-Parenting, Dreaded Weekends Alone And My Superman

Being divorced is never what I wanted for my children, but it happens and it is what it is. It's frustrating yet rewarding. My marriage didn't work out, but our co-parenting did. I feel like I picked the perfect person to have children with. Maybe not the perfect husband, but definitely the perfect father. He's not perfect all the time, but he lives for this little girl and I couldn't have asked for a better co-parent. It's not always perfect and there's HUGE speed bumps along the way, but he's a constant presence in our everyday lives even from another state.

 

I hate weekends without her. It's lonely and sad and I miss her more than words. I get to be her mom every single day of the week, with the exception of four or so days out of the month and that's okay with me. Some weeks I need that two day escape, some days I don't. This weekend I wanted her home. I was so incredibly bored and just wanted someone to play with. I know she had an awesome weekend with her dad. They rode bikes, ate good food and probably stayed up way too late playing. He gets to be the fun parent and I gladly give him that.

 

It's never been about the child support. He pays me when he's able and that's okay with me. I promised myself when we divorced that I would never make sharing her about the money and it never has been. Sure, the money is great when I get it, but she's mine. I take full responsibility for her 24/7. She's my child and I am her mom. She's mine to take care of and I make it my sole responsibility financially. I don't bitch at him when he doesn't send money. That's fine. He does what he can, when he can and that's alright by me. He buys her clothes for his house, takes her to do fun things when they're together, and that's enough for me. She's happy and taken care of and that's all that matters to me.

 

I'm a huge proponent of single, divorced dads. I believe that you divorce your spouse, not your children and not your money. If I call him and say hey "I need this amount of money for her to take dance lessons" he's right there helping in every way he can. It's never about the money. As long as he's front and center for every dance recital, soccer game, school play, and any major event in her life, then he's all he needs to be as a dad. Being a dad is not about financial support. It's about being there for your children. I'm not saying they shouldn't do their part, I'm just saying that if their part isn't being financially supportive, then they can make up for it in other ways and he does that 100%. I will never, ever complain that I don't get what I'm owed according to the State of Alabama. We do things our own way and we refuse to have some Judge who doesn't know us meddle in our business. He's a constant support to me when I need him and a great father to Tyler.

 

She adores him. He's her hero and she thinks he hung the moon and that's the way it should be. Co-parenting isn't easy, but we've managed to each make sacrifices for Tyler that I know she will appreciate in the future. She has two of the most supportive parents any child could ask for and I know he'll be there at the drop of a hat. He calls her daily, sometimes twice a day and calls to Facetime almost every night. I couldn't ask for more.

 

But back to the weekends. I miss her so much. It's hard. It will always be hard to share your child. Divorce is hard. It's hard on the kids but I'm glad we did it when Tyler was young. She knows no different except that Daddy doesn't live with Mommy and that's okay with her so that's okay with me. But oh the happiness when that baby comes home. She makes me whole again.

 

Normally, she doesn't sleep in the bed with me, but sometimes, I just can't help it. To have my little superman passed out in the bed next to me makes my heart whole and I can't give E enough credit for being the father she needs, even if he's not physically there every single day. He's there for her in every way he needs to be, every single time and both Tyler Grace and I adore him. She's my superman and he's hers and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why Being An Adult Is The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done

My general look... all day... every day.

Can we just all agree that being an adult is the dumbest thing we've ever done? Because it is. Everything's on a schedule, that I'm always late for. Things have to be paid for. Things have to be where you can find them. Everything has a place and there's a place for everything. Well, fuck you, places. Here's my list of why being a grown up is the dumbest thing I've ever done.



  

1. Waking up early. I think we can all agree this one sucks. I'm tired, cranky and would rather spend my life in bed than do anything else. I can do everything from there. Except pee and like shower and stuff.

 

2. Working. Good for you if you love your job. I hate you. But for most of us it's a constant disappointment that we get to wake up and go to for 8+ hours a day. I get yelled at and called names by people who are literally too stupid to participate in life. It makes me want to buy an island and should you want to come live on my island you have to have proof that you exceed a certain IQ. Period. No exceptions.

 

3. Hair ties. Do they grow legs and walk the fuck off? Do they? I need someone to actually answer this question with scientific fact. Do they, in fact, grow tiny legs and walk off? Because I've held in my possession about a million of these little bastards in my lifetime. You know how many I can find right now... maybe 5... 7 at the most. This goes for bobby pins too. They're never there when you need them. Why do you fail me tiny hair fixers?

 

4. Cooking. Hate it. Terrible at it. Also goes along with... wait for it...

 

5. Grocery shopping. Pardon me, but why is a gallon of milk over $5? That is absurd. Is it coming from special rainbow unicorn cows? I would raise and milk my own damn cows for that... except see No. 2.

 

6. Bathing my kid. Seriously. Terrible, I know. But have you ever been there when they fart in the tub? It's like 10 times worse than regular. Happiest day of my life when my kid learned to shower by herself... while singing, which makes it even better.

 

7. Paying bills. Why do they want so much from me? Didn't I just pay you? Oh again this month too? Fuck you, Verizon, Brighthouse, Edgewood Academy, Holtville Water, Alabama Power and Chase Credit Card Services. Fuck you all... equally. Even you, Chevron gas, even you.

 

8. Hangovers. Did I miss the memo that they now require a 2-4 day recovery period?

 

9. You ever try to be a parent at 8:00 am with a hangover? Shit sucks, man. Why are you so loud, tiny Satan? Get your own food and water.

 

10. Pretty panties. Seriously, Victoria's Secret? Screw you. Is it too much to ask that they cover my entire ass?

 

11. Why is it required that I be nice to EVERY fucking BODY? I don't wanna. When people are talking to me and I'm tired of listening, I'm just going to slap them and say "Oh, shit, sorry. I didn't think you would ever stop talking and I freaked out."

 

12. I have ADD, if you interrupt what I'm doing to ask me to do something else, make a decision. Which do you want done? You get to pick one or neither, not both. That's not how it works.

 

13. Yearly OBGYN visits. Collectively, can I get a hand clap? Thank you.

 

14. Shaving my legs. UGH... not again. Didn't I just do this like 2 days ago?

 

15. Car shopping.

 

16. Christmas shopping. Why do kids want so much that the stores are already sold out of by the time I have time to go Christmas shopping?

 

17. Wrapping presents. My mom wraps presents beautifully, mine looks like a blind, homeless person wrapped it with the newspaper he shit on the night before.

 

18. Savings accounts/future planning. All of it. IRA's, retirement accounts, 401Ks... why are there so many?

 

19. Contacting Blue Cross Blue Shield for any reason, ever. Unless you have an extra 2 hours in your day.

 

20. Calling your cable company. I'm talking to you Brighthouse. Screw you. You're impossible. My cable bill is in my ex-husband's name. Try calling for a service call and see how pissed off you are when you get off the phone. No. I don't know his social. No. He no longer lives here. Ok. So you're telling me I have to get him to travel from another state to sign your form to put this bill in my name so I can have my cable fixed? Just making sure I heard you correctly. Fuck you.

 

BUT there's always a bright side to being an adult - we get to buy alcohol and most of my days just end up like this...