Why Being An Adult Is The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done

My general look... all day... every day.

Can we just all agree that being an adult is the dumbest thing we've ever done? Because it is. Everything's on a schedule, that I'm always late for. Things have to be paid for. Things have to be where you can find them. Everything has a place and there's a place for everything. Well, fuck you, places. Here's my list of why being a grown up is the dumbest thing I've ever done.



  

1. Waking up early. I think we can all agree this one sucks. I'm tired, cranky and would rather spend my life in bed than do anything else. I can do everything from there. Except pee and like shower and stuff.

 

2. Working. Good for you if you love your job. I hate you. But for most of us it's a constant disappointment that we get to wake up and go to for 8+ hours a day. I get yelled at and called names by people who are literally too stupid to participate in life. It makes me want to buy an island and should you want to come live on my island you have to have proof that you exceed a certain IQ. Period. No exceptions.

 

3. Hair ties. Do they grow legs and walk the fuck off? Do they? I need someone to actually answer this question with scientific fact. Do they, in fact, grow tiny legs and walk off? Because I've held in my possession about a million of these little bastards in my lifetime. You know how many I can find right now... maybe 5... 7 at the most. This goes for bobby pins too. They're never there when you need them. Why do you fail me tiny hair fixers?

 

4. Cooking. Hate it. Terrible at it. Also goes along with... wait for it...

 

5. Grocery shopping. Pardon me, but why is a gallon of milk over $5? That is absurd. Is it coming from special rainbow unicorn cows? I would raise and milk my own damn cows for that... except see No. 2.

 

6. Bathing my kid. Seriously. Terrible, I know. But have you ever been there when they fart in the tub? It's like 10 times worse than regular. Happiest day of my life when my kid learned to shower by herself... while singing, which makes it even better.

 

7. Paying bills. Why do they want so much from me? Didn't I just pay you? Oh again this month too? Fuck you, Verizon, Brighthouse, Edgewood Academy, Holtville Water, Alabama Power and Chase Credit Card Services. Fuck you all... equally. Even you, Chevron gas, even you.

 

8. Hangovers. Did I miss the memo that they now require a 2-4 day recovery period?

 

9. You ever try to be a parent at 8:00 am with a hangover? Shit sucks, man. Why are you so loud, tiny Satan? Get your own food and water.

 

10. Pretty panties. Seriously, Victoria's Secret? Screw you. Is it too much to ask that they cover my entire ass?

 

11. Why is it required that I be nice to EVERY fucking BODY? I don't wanna. When people are talking to me and I'm tired of listening, I'm just going to slap them and say "Oh, shit, sorry. I didn't think you would ever stop talking and I freaked out."

 

12. I have ADD, if you interrupt what I'm doing to ask me to do something else, make a decision. Which do you want done? You get to pick one or neither, not both. That's not how it works.

 

13. Yearly OBGYN visits. Collectively, can I get a hand clap? Thank you.

 

14. Shaving my legs. UGH... not again. Didn't I just do this like 2 days ago?

 

15. Car shopping.

 

16. Christmas shopping. Why do kids want so much that the stores are already sold out of by the time I have time to go Christmas shopping?

 

17. Wrapping presents. My mom wraps presents beautifully, mine looks like a blind, homeless person wrapped it with the newspaper he shit on the night before.

 

18. Savings accounts/future planning. All of it. IRA's, retirement accounts, 401Ks... why are there so many?

 

19. Contacting Blue Cross Blue Shield for any reason, ever. Unless you have an extra 2 hours in your day.

 

20. Calling your cable company. I'm talking to you Brighthouse. Screw you. You're impossible. My cable bill is in my ex-husband's name. Try calling for a service call and see how pissed off you are when you get off the phone. No. I don't know his social. No. He no longer lives here. Ok. So you're telling me I have to get him to travel from another state to sign your form to put this bill in my name so I can have my cable fixed? Just making sure I heard you correctly. Fuck you.

 

BUT there's always a bright side to being an adult - we get to buy alcohol and most of my days just end up like this...