My Dirty-Ass 4 Year Old

This is her "dressed up." Still looking a hot mess.

This just struck a cord with me. TG has a dentist appointment with the very lovely, Mallory (she's single and awesome, just sayin) this afternoon and I called my mother who's bringing her to meet me so we can travel together to the dreaded dentist office and my mother asks me "Does she look okay?" *PAUSE* Let that sink in.

 

"Does she look okay?" What the hell does that even mean? She's four. Let's run through the "is my child appropriately dressed" checklist.

 

~Has she showered in the last 24 hours? Yes. Check.

~Is the outfit I dropped her off at school in clean? Yes. Check.

~Will that same outfit be clean when she's picked up from school? Maybe. Check?

~Does she match? Sort of. She picks out her own clothes. No check.

~Will she have crusty snot in and around her nose? Yes. No check.

~Is her hair tidy and kempt? It was this morning when I dropped her off. Check.

~Will it be tidy and free from debris, sand, snot, glitter, glue, sticks, paper or random large objects? Probably not. No check.

~Will she have on some trendy, made for People magazine outfit? No. We're broke. No check. She has on jeans, Nike and a shirt (hopefully).

 

So let's review. She was clean and looked okay when I last saw her. She will spend 6 hours at school surrounded by other disgusting 3 and 4 year olds with their snotty noses and gross, sticky hands, do arts and crafts with various objects, nap and play on a playground.

 

"Does she look okay?" Probably fucking not. She's fucking 4.

 

She has to be at school in the morning between 7:15 and 7:30. That means we're busting ass, waking up at 6:45 in the morning. We're habitually late. *My Fault* We both dig the sleep thing, DO NOT wake the tiny person down the hall on the weekends. She might murder you with her look. Needless to say, I'm a disorganized mom. I'm cool with it. Tyler seems cool with it. She definitely knows what "hurry the hell up before we're late for school" means. But I get it. Some moms have it all figured out. Neatly placed clothes laid out for the next school day, coordinating hairbows, matching socks, healthy lunches all packed and lined up to go out the door. Excuse me... bahahahahaha. We're lucky if we have on even remotely the same socks. She's lucky I remember to bring the PopTart she eats in my car on the way to school. Hairbows? Hang that shit up. She's lucky her hair is brushed... that matted mess she has going on up there. But that's great for those moms, can you come do that shit for me every night?

 

Speaking of waiting until the last minute to wake up - shout out to whoever made the messy bun on top of your head fashionable. I rock the shit out of it every day. Also, I don't wear makeup to work. -Gasp- Screw it. I don't have time, not do I care in the slightest. My black work pants haven't been washed since I don't remember when. They never have to be washed ever in my opinion. My shirt may or may not have CapriSun spilled on it and the only shoes I could locate this morning in the rush out the door is a pair of Teva flip flops from high school. Judge me.

 

So shout out to all you perfect moms who have all your kids' shit together and they look like they have personal stylists. Seriously, my hat's off to you and I hate you.

 

In closing... "Does she look okay?" Really? Hell no. She looks like a fucking dirty-ass 4 year old who's been at school all day. She probably smells real bad too, but I bet she's been kicking ass and taking names.