The Dreaded Christmas Card

2014 Christmas Card

Now's the dreaded time of the year to send out Christmas cards showing your perfect family doing perfect things. I loathe it every, single year. Can we at least have realistic cards where you open it and instead of music, it's my 4 year old screaming because she can't have candy before bed? I vote for those cards. Let people really know what's going on with us. Christmas card time also makes me sad. It makes me sad that we're missing a member of our family. The baby of our family. Last year was the first year I sent out Christmas cards since Tyler was a baby. We sent out that one in 2010, but my Shutterfly account seems to have forgotten about that one. But I decided to send one last year. The previous year, Keller was a baby and quite frankly, I just forgot to do it. The year before that, I was "about to pop" pregnant with Keller, he was born on December 30. I don't even think I decorated a tree that year. Pregnancy Problems. But nonetheless, last year and this year I pressed on.

 

2013 Christmas Card.
 

But it makes me sad that I'm missing part of my family. Makes me sad that I'll never have a Christmas card with him on it. Sure, I've got tons of pictures of him. Moments of his life frozen in time that I'll cherish forever. But you always regret the little things. It's the little things that eat you up the most. I do my best to not let them get to me, but on dreaded Christmas card day, it does. Halloween too for some reason. All the kids dressed up makes me sad. The year he died, I had already planned their Halloween costumes. Tyler Grace was really into any princess, so respectfully, they would be the princess and the frog. Genius, I know. Not really.

 

So I guess it's the milestones I miss the most. Him only having one of each. One birthday, one Christmas, one Easter, one Halloween... only one. Imagine that for a second as a parent. All you want in life is to give them everything they need to be happy. He was only allowed one of each. That breaks my heart for him in every way possible. I wanted so much more for him than only one.

 

I hate I'll never have a Christmas card with Keller on it and I hate even more that he's not on ours this year.

Bass Pro before meeting Santa for the first and last time in 2011.

 

"May your family share laughter.

Your songs always play.

May your wishes come true, even those left unprayed.

Hand on my shoulder, gentle cloud on the hill.

May your heart's doors be open forever and ever.

May you glass, it be filled."

-Widespread Panic-