1. I'm exhausted. Just plain exhausted. So tired.
2. I look exhausted. Those dark spot under my eyes, yeah... everybody else sees them too.
3. Those yoga pants I've been rocking, while a toddler hangs off my hip, nobody thinks I've been at the gym and I've probably been wearing the same ones for over a week.
4. There may or may not be boogers, throw up, poop or food stuck to my clothing somewhere and I don't know it yet or simply do not care.
5. My house looks like an F-2 tornado hit it. I can only hope my child steps on a Lego herself so maybe she'll pick them up.
6. I've washed and rewashed the same load of laundry multiple times because I keep forgetting to put them in the dryer. Say no to mildew.
7. The dishes I just put up from the dishwasher may or may not be clean. Not again. Crap.
8. Sometimes sleep is more important than bathing.
9. I find myself singing theme songs to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Princess Sophia and Frozen during adult activities such as work. Hotdog, hotdog, hot diggty dog. Catchy.
10. Trying to make plans with my friends is exhausting. Can we schedule a drink 3 months from now because that's when I'm free again? Nope, you have a birthday party that day? Ok, how about next summer? Oh, family vacation? How about 2016? Ok, great!! See you then.
11. Talking to me on the phone is like trying to talk to someone with Tourette's. "Yeah I can tot-IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN FROM THERE!!-ally do lunch next week.
12. I have multiple bruises and I have no idea where they came from. Maybe that night my kid slept in the bed with me and ninja'd me all night, but who knows.
13. I have flipped off my kid behind her back. Because sometimes toddlers are just little assholes.
14. I'm not exactly sure when the last time I washed my sheets was.
15. Or vacuumed.
16. I avoid looking at my bank account. So many bills. Yay, just got paid. Just gonna hop online and pay some bills.... annnnnnnnd, I'm broke. Suck it, private school.
17. My hair looks like this... and hasn't been cut in well over a year.
18. But my child's hair looks like this... perfect at all times.
19. I may or may not have the same shoes on. Or they may be different and I don't care.
20. Makeup, what is that?
21. I have to remind myself to eat real food, not just the 2 leftover Dino Nuggets she forgot to finish before leaving the table to destroy my house further.
22. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes for myself, but I will drop $200 quick in the children's section at Target or Gap. Belk is the devil.
23. I am a piece of furniture. I have all this nice furniture in my house so my kid can sit directly on top of me at all times.
24. Mani/pedi... you're joking, right?
25. I can't remember the last time I checked the mailbox. Maybe last week?
26. I haven't bathed without an audience since I don't remember when.
27. I use my sick/vacation days when my kid is sick, but I will most definitely work through the flu.
28. Someone is constantly farting on me. Dear Jesus, what are they feeding you at school?
29. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to flush first because my 4 year old can't grasp the concept of flushing. And I thought getting her out of diapers was hard. Teaching her to flush the toilet... seriously?
30. Stretch marks. Don't even.
31. I steal CapriSuns from my kid... they're delicious.
32. Every time I drive through a McDonald's drive thru. Disgusting. What is even in that hamburger meat? Don't tell me. I probably don't want to know.
33. I've perfected talking over someone because I constantly have to talk over my child to any grown person I am speaking to. It's an artform, really.
34. I warm her school clothes up with a hair dryer because her clothes are cold in the morning.
35. I've skipped pages in a bedtime story because I just want to go to bed myself.
36. Any time my kid says a bad word, I am reminded that I created this monster. Like the time she turned around to that poor lady at the Elmo concert and told her to "stop kicking my damn seat."
37. I know better than to try and catch vomit in my hands. Lesson learned.
38. When my child throws a temper tantrum, I'm pretty sure I am not qualified to deal with it because I am not familiar with exorcisms.
39. If I have to watch Frozen one more time, I will break the DVD.
40. And the last thing that reminds me that I'm a mom? I have an undying, never ending, unfaultering, perfect love for a little blonde haired, blue eyed girl who lights up my world every single minute of every single day and when I come home and she wraps her arms around me, with sticky banana fingers all in my hair, I am whole.
19. I may or may not have the same shoes on. Or they may be different and I don't care.
20. Makeup, what is that?
21. I have to remind myself to eat real food, not just the 2 leftover Dino Nuggets she forgot to finish before leaving the table to destroy my house further.
22. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes for myself, but I will drop $200 quick in the children's section at Target or Gap. Belk is the devil.
23. I am a piece of furniture. I have all this nice furniture in my house so my kid can sit directly on top of me at all times.
24. Mani/pedi... you're joking, right?
25. I can't remember the last time I checked the mailbox. Maybe last week?
26. I haven't bathed without an audience since I don't remember when.
27. I use my sick/vacation days when my kid is sick, but I will most definitely work through the flu.
28. Someone is constantly farting on me. Dear Jesus, what are they feeding you at school?
29. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to flush first because my 4 year old can't grasp the concept of flushing. And I thought getting her out of diapers was hard. Teaching her to flush the toilet... seriously?
30. Stretch marks. Don't even.
31. I steal CapriSuns from my kid... they're delicious.
32. Every time I drive through a McDonald's drive thru. Disgusting. What is even in that hamburger meat? Don't tell me. I probably don't want to know.
33. I've perfected talking over someone because I constantly have to talk over my child to any grown person I am speaking to. It's an artform, really.
34. I warm her school clothes up with a hair dryer because her clothes are cold in the morning.
35. I've skipped pages in a bedtime story because I just want to go to bed myself.
36. Any time my kid says a bad word, I am reminded that I created this monster. Like the time she turned around to that poor lady at the Elmo concert and told her to "stop kicking my damn seat."
37. I know better than to try and catch vomit in my hands. Lesson learned.
38. When my child throws a temper tantrum, I'm pretty sure I am not qualified to deal with it because I am not familiar with exorcisms.
39. If I have to watch Frozen one more time, I will break the DVD.
40. And the last thing that reminds me that I'm a mom? I have an undying, never ending, unfaultering, perfect love for a little blonde haired, blue eyed girl who lights up my world every single minute of every single day and when I come home and she wraps her arms around me, with sticky banana fingers all in my hair, I am whole.
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