For most of us moms, driving in the car alone is either a blessing or a curse. It can be a place of quiet solitude or listening to whatever the hell you want and not Taylor Swift on repeat, but that’s my struggle. Maybe yours is different. I hope so. Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” is miserable after 171,482 (yes, that’s a specific number) times. But, behold, there are ways that you, the general driving population, can make this a more pleasurable driving experience for us moms.
I’ve polled numerous moms and for most of us driving to and from work without our beloved children is a time to have uninterrupted thought process or a short time to zone out and not think about anything. Regardless of which it is, assholes that we travel along roads with make this increasingly difficult.
If you are reading the news on your IPad while driving, I hate you. Same goes for the actual paper newspaper. If you are putting your makeup on because you are late for work and insist on trying to do it in my lane of traffic, I hate you. If you are shaving in your vehicle, it just makes me want to swerve into your lane and hit you so you’ll cut your jugular and bleed out. One less asshole on the road. If you are on your cell phone in a brand new Mercedes Benz with an “I need to speak to your manager” haircut, I hate you. I’m not stupid, I know that $50,000 vehicle is capable of hands-free. Nobody cares you now carry an IPhone 6 instead of a 5. Nobody.
If your music is so goddamn loud that I can’t hear myself think, you should probably see a doctor about your hearing problems and I hate you. If you are trying to fly swat your children in the backseat while simultaneously swerving into my lane, I hate you. If you are too busy staring at the wreck on the side of the road that you cannot drive the speed limit, pull off the road, stop and kill yourself. If you insist on “Mexican road blocking” me to talk to your friend, please get out and run because I will kill you. It is not the social hour, it is the get the fuck out of my way so I’m not late for work hour.
If you have no idea where you are going, please have no idea where you are going sometime other than rush hour. There is a turning lane the majority of the way down 231, if you brake before you ever turn your blinker on, I hate you. The turning lane is for you to get into to not impede the flow of traffic. You braking 200 yards before you even get in the turning lane makes me want to ram my vehicle into the rear of yours and then drive off.
If you drive a Ford F350 and haul a backhoe, do us all a favor and learn that the drive-thru is not for you. Not ever. Especially not at 7:30 a.m. I’m sure you need your coffee just as much as I do, but you’re holding up the McDonald’s line and you are the definition of an asshole. If I look in my rear-view mirror and all I can see is the top of your head and no headlights, I will brake check the fuck out of you. Back the fuck off crazy person. I promise you don’t want to eat the ass end of my Volvo SUV.
So PSA to morning and evening commuters, don’t drive like an asshole. I’m trying to have the few moments of quiet that I’m allowed every day and you make me want to scream. Can we collectively agree that assholes on the road need to be stopped? I think so. Especially for those of us moms who are trying to enjoy some quiet time instead of feeling like we’re taking a defensive driving class every single morning. Seriously guys, stop being assholes. Drive like you have some damn sense. Or not, I don't care, but pay the price.
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